The year that has gone by for me has been one that was never expected. Change definitely is the biggest constant, but for me it seems change is a constant and a variable too that changes quite often and drastically. Whether we acknowledge or not, whether we recognize or not, whether we know of it or not, whether we believe in it or not, the turns of our life, the decisions that we make is all driven deep within as an endless pursuit for self-satisfaction. Be it a movie, catching up with friends, charity, relief work, job change, travel, service, playing, adventure, browsing, cooking, working, sleeping, we would never be able to do something that doest not give us joy. Unless ofcourse, we are forced, and are in control of somebody else.
With every turn, my expectations have changed. What I want gets often redefined, fine-tuned, confused, deviated and then again focussed and clear. This goes on. Whether or not I make a formal prayer at your altar, whether or not I put it into writing and offer it to you as a letter, whether or not I visit the glorious abode where u gave me countless opportunities to become yours, whether or not I visit temples, the asks within keeps changing. Its true for stages in life and as well for everyday occurences.
I have asked you many, so many, so so many at various times, that today I dont even remember everything that I have asked for. But each time I ask, I have always told you that this time its sincere, genuine and somehow even justified it to you as if u dont know about it. Even then, I dont remember all that I have asked from you over the years.
I have always wanted something or the other from you. And yes, you have indeed given me many things, some of which I recognised it as your doing and definitely many of which I have failed to see that it was your doing. I also know that you always give only that which is for my welfare.
How is it that your love is so generous ? How is it that you never let go? How is it that you give numerous opportunities to grow, to change and to put the past behind? How is it that you care even when we fail to recognise and acknowledge your doings? Can you be anything else, other than Love itself?
And you love, despite me not having given you what you have always wanted from me. In comparison to my asks, your ask of me is so very little, like a seasame seed to a mountain, like a blade of grass to a forest, like a drop of water to an ocean.
What is it that you have asked of me? You have asked me for my love, for everything else is already yours. You asked me to fill my being and life with love. You asked me to fill my words with love, you asked me to do everything with love, you asked me to feel love at all times, you asked me to love all, you asked me to be always blissful with love, you asked me to let go of everything that would be make me narrow, mean, ugly and foolish. And in this asking from me, only I was to gain in giving you what you want from me. Such is your love that even in what you want from me, is something that benefits me.
But then, being always busy in asking, I missed out on giving you what you truly want. Doing Bhajans, offering worship, participating in seva, reading good literature, helping others when possible, chanting Vedas, studying scriptures, performing charity, reducing desires, doing sadhana, taking up responsibilites in Seva Organisation, gaining success in professional life, bringing about change in the world, transforming the society, taking up leading and respectable positions in renowned organisations and so on and such other…. I believed is what you wanted from me. I have been so wrong about it all through. I believed by doing all of this you would be pleased and thus keep giving me what I want always. I thought I was pleasing you all along and thus eligible for the prayers I make.
How foolish I have been, How mis-directed I have been. How ritualistic I have been. How deviated I have been.
Love in words as Truth, Love in action as Dharma, Love in feeling as Peace at all times and in all places is what you have always wanted of me. A life thats centered around and filled with love alone, like the tip of the mast of the ship the only looks to the sun, no matter how the waters below rock the boat. You have just wanted me to be the source from which I have come and recognise that everything else too comes from the same source and thus lead a life of love that reflects complete understanding of the undeniable unity in this infinitely diverse creation of yours.
In asking from you I forgot to give you what you want. Let me give you what you truly want and finally experience the bliss of never having to ask again !